Dennis Quaid Going All “Dopey the Dick” On the Crew is Fake

For all of you out there who have been on set with a serious sack of douches, like we’ve all been at one point or another… as much as I like the guy, I’m glad to hear that Dennis Quaid going full-speed Christian Bale on his crew is all Funny-or-Die bullshit.  I do so like Funny or Die.  I also like Dennis Quaid, which is why it’s awesome this was fake.

But…  a side consequence of this is now we’re all probably just that much more weary of trusting a frigging thing that happens on the internet.  All except for that Flo from Geico, I’m sure everyone trusts her.  Right, Flo?

geico-flo-RIGHT

Check it out.  My favorite part is the Dopey the Dick part…  from the Entertainment Weekly article:

The beginning of the video features actual footage of news anchors covering Quaid’s freakout, and then launches into a scene starring Quaid sitting at the same desk where he has his hissy fit. He soon starts yelling—and it turns out he insults he threw around in the “leaked” video are literal: “Dopey the Dick” is his name for a man dressed in a head-to-toe penis costume, “pussies” is what he calls a basket full of kittens, and he steps on actual horse poop when he exclaims “this is horsesh–!”

Winning.

More Electron Joke Porn – Mini and Micro

I’ll just leave this here.  I bet you need it.  More electron joke porn for your weekend.  Are you a nerd?  Good, you’ll love this.

Ready?

two-electrons
Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing. One evening he arrived home just as the sun was crashing, and had parked his Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He thought to himself, “She looks user-friendly. I’ll see if she’d like an update tonight.”

Mini was her name. She was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL and a Prime mainframe architecture that set Micro’s peripherals networking all over the place.

He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32-bit floating point processors and inquired, “How are you,
Honeywell?”

“Yes, I am well,” she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.

Micro settled for a straight line approximation. “I’m stand-alone tonight,” he said. “How about computing a vector to my base address? I’ll output a byte to eat, and maybe we could get offset later on.” Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8K. “I’ve been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my disks. I’ll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside.” She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, “Wow, what a global variable. I wonder if she’d like my firmware?”

They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and chips and a bucket of Baudot. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave occasional acknowledgements, although in reality he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally settled on the old, Would-you-like-to-see-my-benchmark routine. But Mini was again one step ahead.

Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system software. “Let’s get BASIC, you RAM,” she said. Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware policing module had a processor of its own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hangup that Micro had consulted his analyst about. “Core,” was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off.

Micro soon recovered, however, when Mini went down on the DEC and opened her divide filed to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root device and was just about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape sequence.

“No, no!” she cried, “You’re not shielded!”

“Reset, baby,” he replied, “I’ve been debugged.”

“But I haven’t got my current loop enabled, and I can’t support child
processes,” she protested.

“Don’t run away,” he said, “I’ll generate an interrupt.”

“No, that’s too error prone, and I can’t abort because of my design
philosophy.”

Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be turned off. But Mini soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.

Computers!” she thought, as she compiled herself, “All they think about is hex!

Yeah.  Again, Happy Saturday.

Electron Porn – The Sex Life of an Electron

It’s actually a long-time running joke in the Electronics industry, Richard Hart’s joke that has become slightly less than not-quite-famous, here in its entirety, for all of you dirty-minded fucks out there who work, live, and love in Light.

lost-an-electron

READY?!

The Sex Life of An Electron

One night when his charge was pretty high, Mirco-Farad decided to seek out a cute little coil to help his discharge.

He picked up Milli-Amp and took her for a ride in his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge and stopped by a magnetic field with flowing currents and frolicked in the sine waves.

Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp’s characteristic curves, soon had her fully charged and proceeded to excite her resistance to a minumum. He gently laid her at ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.

With a quick arc, he pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it in her socket, connecting them in parallel. He slowly began short circuiting her resisitance shut while quickly raising her thermal conductance level to mill-spec. Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled “OHM…OHM…OHM!”

With his tube operating well into class C, and her field vibrating with his currently flow, a corona formed which instantly caused her shunt to overheat just at the point when Micro-Farad rapidly discharged and drained off every electron into her grid.

They fluxed all night trying various connectors and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost all of its field strength.

After wards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids, and, with his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field. Not ready to be quiescent, they spent the rest of the evening reversing polarity and blowing each other’s fuses.

You’re welcome.

Jim

 

This was found here, and I’m so glad I found it.

Pig+Release

A little programmer humor for this Friday afternoon…

Remember kids, never hit pig+release during a show, it releases all of your active playbacks.  No, this is not from my personal experience, but believe me, I have done lots of other stupid shit in my day.

pigrelease

SOCHI OUCHIE – Far Right Olympic Ring Afraid to Come Out of Russian Closet

Ok, it’s not funny.  Well, it’s kinda funny.  It would be less funny if Russia wasn’t generally a douche about things like human rights; you know, if, say, Canada’s rings had malfunctioned, everyone would be apologizing and Twitter would be afloat with comments like “ohh, sorry” instead of the ones that are up there right now, like ‘Oops. Malfunction! One of the massive Olympic doilies is broke. Someone must pay!’ and ‘£30Billion and they couldn’t even get the rings right!

Oh, Russia.

But seriously though Pootie Poot, don’t shoot a stage hand for this.

BBC-sochi-rings-2

BBC-sochi-rings-1

Sochi Olympics Opening Ceremony

OLY-2014-OPENING-CEREMONY

Sochi Olympics Opening Ceremony

2014 Winter Olympic Games - Opening Ceremony

2014 Winter Olympic Games - Opening Ceremony

OLY-2014-OPENING-CEREMONY

OLY-2014-OPENING-CEREMONY

Thanks BBC News, Metro UK!

…and for all of you people out there who would rather have the Sochi Ouchi read to you, I’ll let Christina Marie tell you allllll about it:

Sometimes You Just Need a Good Belly Laugh – Here’s 25! (Some are NSFW)

Lately I have needed to laugh my ass off to get through what we’ll call one of the crappier times of our lives here at JimOnLight.com.  Things are looking up, however, and that means the laughs have become natural again!

I can’t have all of these awesome laughs all to myself, I just don’t see that it’s fair to the Universe.  So take this next few minutes and just LAUGH!

Got something funny you want me to post?  Send me an email at jim@jimonlight.com!

Ready?  GO!

alderaan_places

BAMBO

big-dick

bingo-night

bullshit-meter-full

cause-this-is-thriller

courage

drugs

explain-this-shit

franks-shit

funnyguy

hang-in-there

horse

lego-execution

look-at-this-duck-look-at-it

mom-thug-life

no-resemblence

north-west-stupid

raptor-jesus

roses-are-red

sharkalanche

sharks-want-to-cuddle

shits-on-fire

smart-motherfuckers

Third-party-facepalm1

 

TSA Detained Chewbacca Because They Thought His Light Saber Cane was Dangerous

peter-mayhew-twitter-lightsaber-cane

As Peter Mayhew put it, the guy who made Chewbacca all that he is in its hairy presence, “Giant man need giant cane.. small cane snap like toothpick…. besides.. my light saber cane is just cool.. I would miss it.

Star Wars actor Peter Mayhew was detained at Denver International Airport on June 3 because TSA thought his light saber cane was dangerous.  So, his oversized acrylic light saber cane was dangerous.  You guys at the TSA do know that light sabers don’t quite exist yet, right?  You have several of my 8″ crescent wrenches, and definitely a handful of Gerber tools you’ve taken from me over the years.  I still will never understand why you tell me I can have a 7″ crescent wrench but not an 8″ crescent wrench every single time you take one from me.  If I had a 7″ crescent would you tell me I could only have a 6″ crescent?

From an article at CNET:

Mayhew’s explanation for this cane possession was very simple: “Giant man need giant cane.. small cane snap like toothpick…. besides.. my light saber cane is just cool.. I would miss it.”

Who could possibly argue with that? Well, the TSA folks wanted to.

However, quite extraordinarily, American Airlines intervened. Mayhew is an extremely frequent flyer and it seems that someone from the airline may have whispered to the TSA: “Do you really think a famous actor is going to hijack a plane with a lightsaber cane?”

Or words with that same ultimate meaning.

This was not before some of Mayhew’s Twitter followers made merry with this terrestrial nonsense.

One, Shane Moore, offered: “@TheWookieeRoars Chewie hijacks plane with light saber… takes passengers to Kashyyyk. Story tonight at 10!”

Mr. Mayhew, who goes by TheWookieeRoars on Twitter, took to Twitter to let the world know what was up.  Chewbacca was just flying home from the Denver Comi-con, and TSA decided to snag his cane because it “looked dangerous.”  After a little bit, some magic happened — TSA released a statement because Mayhew sent out a tweet to 20,000+ followers.  As you’ll notice in the picture above, it took three TSA agents to detain Mr. Mayhew, and I’m sure an entire communications department to decide what they should do that someone called them out on being ridiculous.  Oh, I love paying tax money for these people.  I have no job, and they have eleventy jobs.

Ah, bureaucracy.

Here’s a better shot of that awesome cane:

peter-mayhew-cane

Are You Gonna Be A Glasshole?

WTF

As Google Glass comes (and maybe just goes), I am pretty excited to see how the Lighting and Entertainment Industry will glean onto this bit of robo-tech.  Part of me thinks that I could write some interfaces that might do things like give me a color temperature feedback or calculate HSV for me based on the overall color of one of the snapshots I grab from the Glass…

… but then there’s a part of me that wonders what happens when the drunken douchebaggery of being in the Entertainment Industry will kick in and push Google Glass to a secondary level of Creeper Hell.

Are you gonna be a Glasshole?  Let’s find out!

Thanks to Geeks are Sexy for the video!